lakshmistar

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okay, i’ve decided. i’m going to continue with my “real” blog (only retooled a bit)… so, please, please, please go to: lakshmistar.wordpress.com and continue reading there.

though i like the format of this blog, i’ve just been using the other one longer and it would have taken me so much time to transfer everything i’ve written there over to here – and another big reason is that that blog was (and is) about me, not just the baby and i think that’s important because i really want to remember those other sides of me as well and to continue writing about my (now our) experience living abroad in germany.

thanks so much for reading and like i said, please visit me at lakshmistar!

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little help?

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for the past few months, my main blog site has been lakshmistar . i started this blog because i wanted to keep the little doofus a secret up until the point when i felt ready to share the news with all my “real life” friends (which was entirely not necessary due to the fact that all of my close friends are complete technophobes).

so, now that i’m ready, my question is: firstly, if someone “follows” my blog, will they see just the one blog or all of my posts on all of my blogs? and second, should i combine all of my them into one?

i feel like that makes more sense. now that i’m less concerned about people finding out about said little doofus, i’m just more focused on making it easier for myself and my (one or two) readers.

advice? please?

it’s all peachy (and i’m not feeling sorry for myself anymore)

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by “peachy” of course i mean that that is the size the baby is now at twelve weeks and two days, at least according to my what to expect when you’re expecting app on my phone. which means daddy doofus has taken to calling my stomach “peachy” until last night when he said, “is that starting to sound good to you?” incredulously, i came back with, “as a name??!!??!!” to which he replied, “yes, but only if it’s a boy”, which led me to believe/hope that he was completely joking.

aside from the fact that my stomach is much bigger, but not big enough to be classified as a “bump” yet (so, basically it’s just fat), i’m starting to feel a little bit better in general: less queasy, less exhausted all the time (except for right at this moment, but that’s because i got up really early), less sensitive to foods and i’m not really having all the aversions i was having (daddy and i have been wondering if this really is either of our kid, because we LOVE us some pasta and this baby hasn’t wanted any since milan). so, that’s good.

except that i’ve now had to start cleaning the house again. before, i had a perfect excuse: the baby wants me to sit on the couch and watch a movie right now. but now that i’m not exhausted, it just doesn’t feel right blaming my laziness on the little doofus.

my husband finally told his boss at work – which worked out well because she is a baby doctor at the best hospital here in cologne and she said that she would be very happy to give us a tour of the hospital (in english). on top of that, i’ve also found a midwife who lived in england for five years and speaks english well and seems really sweet (from my one email correspondence with her thus far).

so, as usual, it seems that everything is coming together for the best.

of course being pregnant in a foreign country was overwhelming at first and i know i’ll still have moments where i just get completely bogged down by the negatives (i don’t speak german, i have no friends to throw me a baby shower [and even if i did, none of my bffs would be there], it’s really cold here…), but i’ve found a good ob/gyn, it seems that i’ve found a hospital and a doctor to deliver the baby and a midwife for before/during/after the birth. i’m also starting to understand how the birthing process will go and feeling pretty positive about the whole process.

phew (wiping my forehead with the back of my hand in relief).

we have our 12 week scan on wednesday and i’m really looking forward to it. last time, we could see the heartbeat on the screen, which was amazing, and this time i’m hoping we get more goodies: get to see the heartbeat, get a scan to take home… okay, secretly i’m hoping to find out the sex, even though i know that’s not going to happen.

i also am going to get my mutterpass, which literally translates to “mother passport”. it’s a little booklet (like a passport) that every pregnant woman gets and which they are supposed to carry around with them at all times. inside, it has all of the bloodwork and scans and any information that any doctor would need. that way, if anything happens, god forbid, it’s all right there! and it will just make me feel official.

so, please look forward to pictures of my mutterpass on my next post!

hopefully this will lead me to be confident enough to actually make some sort of purchase. i have yet to buy anything for the baby – no cute little onesies or adorably soft booties. i haven’t even started knitting anything for baby! i don’t know if i think i’ll be jinxing myself or what. but my husband’s boss and his wife were just about to put all their recently used (and loved) baby items on ebay, so now we get to have first pick! i can’t wait to hold something that will soon be on/for my little baby!

here are some of the things i want (once i begin purchasing):

adorable - and true (of course)

cute wall art!

perfect for peachy (the boy)

omg. love it. (the doofuses really like elephants. especially cute ones.)

and the liebster goes to…

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today, much to my surprise, i awoke to a lovely little gift in my inbox from my friend over at southernfriedinvegas! she has “nominated” me for a liebster award! that said, i’m pretty sure that once nominated, you just win… or at least that’s what i’m telling myself (unless there happens to be a blogging committee out there that i should be buttering up).

the whole idea of the “liebster award” is that it should be given to fantastic blogs (ahem… ahem…) that are, for some reason or another, lacking in followers – as in, fewer than 200, which in my case was laughable as i’m pretty sure i have two followers. luckily for me, southernfriedinvegas happens to be one of them!

so here’s what i’m told i need to do:

  1. copy and paste the award onto our blog (done in this post, not sure how to get it on my homepage, which i’d love to do – make me look fancy)
  2. thank the person who gave you the award and link to their blog (haven’t thanked her yet, wanted to post this first, but i will, i promise! she’s fantastic and i’m so grateful!)
  3. choose five other bloggers to give the award to, post them here and let them know via their comments (crap. haven’t even thought about this yet. all i thought about was the accolades i’d receive if i posted this immediately…)
  4. by spreading the love, hope that our followers/other bloggers will “pay it forward”, as it were…

so, with no further ado, here are five bloggers that have piqued my interest,made me laugh or wowed me with their fabulous photos, wonderful posts or creative style:

  1. runningonwordsblog
  2. wordythirties
  3. meganwanders
  4. myblogject
  5. celiaroundtown

i think it’s obvious i haven’t started completely just focusing on baby blogs… or maybe it’s just that i have been hibernating and haven’t really searched for any. so if anyone has any recommendations, please let me know!

i also don’t know how to find out how many followers a blogger has, so hopefully i’m not insulting anyone by assuming that you all have fewer than 200, when really you’re blogging superstars and everyone already knows and loves you and i should know that…

anyway, i’ll just end this by saying thank you again to southernfriedinvegas . i so appreciate the award and your reading my blog in general and especially for calling me out on hibernating too much… i need the kick in the pants sometimes! 🙂

 

hibernation

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well, i’ve apparently become very insular in my pregnancy. i haven’t blogged, either here or on my “regular” blog, i haven’t really been in communication with a lot of my friends and i really feel like i’ve just been sitting at home growing the baby (which apparently takes a lot of concentration for me). it sounds as if that could be out of depression or somehow negative, but it really hasn’t been.

my husband had the past two weeks off (because we were going to go to south africa for our belated honeymoon, but decided that would be too much – something we’re very excited about holding over the baby’s head for years to come) and we spent the first week at home, just being together. we watched silly movies, took walks along the river and just spent a lot of very simple time together and then this past week, we went to his dad’s house in england, which was also nice – though my in-laws don’t really understand the term “lactose-intolerant” and think that i’m making it up (i’m already testing their british tolerance just by being a vegetarian from california), so i pretty much felt even queasier and gassier than before, which i didn’t think was possible.

the weather here could be partially responsible for my hibernation. i was really looking forward to a german autumn, since spring was so surprising and lovely (being from southern california, i’m still new to “seasons”), but unfortunately we’ve gone straight from a rainy and miserable summer to winter. or so it seems. yes, there are leaves on the ground, but even that happens in san diego. i was expecting more: bursts of reds and oranges, beautiful sunsets… everything i’ve ever seen from photographs of the east coast. instead, it’s really just cold, dark really early and sort of bleak in general. sigh.

i am now eleven weeks pregnant and i think that it’s really become “real” to both my husband and i. we are both getting more excited and thinking of it all in terms of our real future. we’ve starting talking about names and have quickly discovered that there may be something to not telling anyone the name we decide on – people are very vocal about their opinions and will be quick to hate a name that you are starting to love, which i find sort of rude.

our last scan was two weeks ago and we saw the heartbeat then. we didn’t hear it, but we could see it and it was crazy. i mean, it seemed like the heart took up half of the baby and like it was so strong for such a little thing. i think that was the start of it being real. his mother asked if we cried, and i sort of felt guilty because we didn’t. but it’s all still such a new thing, it’s taking us a bit longer than normal to process every little step. we were at the doctor’s, saw the heartbeat, were told that everything looked fine, and then came home and maybe around dinner time, hours later, we started to kind of say to each other: “wow, we saw the heartbeat today!” talk about delayed reactions.

after the last scan is when i had planned on telling my grandmothers and my aunt, however i discovered that my mother has not been able to contain her excitement and has told EVERYONE. and i do mean everyone: her personal trainer, friends, people from church, my chiropractor and acupuncturist (who are both family friends as well) and i don’t even know who else. while i appreciate that she’s excited, it’s a bit annoying considering i hadn’t even told my best friend. to be fair, though, it was actually my dad who told his mother and his sister, both of whom i was very excited about telling. while i do understand how excited they are, i am still annoyed that i wasn’t able to tell them myself. and that everyone else i know already knows.

my mother says that she’s going to be a grandmother and she’s just too excited and it’s her right to tell, to which i replied that now that we know that, we just might not tell her when it comes to baby #2 (which my husband gets a panic attack just thinking about – “oh my god,” he says, “let’s just try and get through this one first.”).

it’s amazing to think that our first trimester is almost finished. we have our next doctor’s appointment a week from this wednesday and at that point, we’ve decided we can start telling people. or, rather, not “not telling” people as we’ve pretty much already told most of the people we want to tell individually.

i’m also hoping i’ll start feeling better. i have been absolutely exhausted, pretty much nauseas and queasy all the time (but i have only thrown up twice and haven’t been violently ill or anything), constipated and gassy (tmi?) and really, really happy and in love – with my baby, with myself for being able to grow a life and especially, with my husband who has been such a fabulous support system and so helpful. he’s already being a great daddy and taking care of his baby and his baby momma.

hopefully i’m ready to stop hibernating and re-join society/online society now.

tired and sick in milan

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i had planned to go to milan a long time ago (when i first got the email about the tori amos night of hunters tour) and was so excited about it; italian food and tori amos: perfection! excited, that is, until i found out i was pregnant. i was still excited, but also nervous and unsure of everything as i read conflicting stories on the internet about whether or not it was actually okay to fly during the first trimester.

in the end, i decided that it was probably safe. my doctor here basically looked confused when i asked her whether or not i should go, which led me to believe that possibly it was just one of those things that neurotic americans (like me) freak out about. and on top of that, a lot of what i read on the internet basically said that the reason one shouldn’t travel is because if a miscarriage does occur, then it would be more difficult to deal with so far from home. wtf? i can’t imagine any location, my own bed included, that would make that okay.

i was feeling pretty good about it all. i realize my last post was a bit, um, negative… but since then, my spirits had been raised quite a bit. i spoke to my therapist, who had a baby here, and she made me feel a lot better about not speaking german. after all, as she said, what’s going on in my body is just that: inside me. it has nothing to do with any language or anything around me, just me, my husband and the new little one growing inside me. and though it will honestly be more difficult for me, it is okay for me to feel that way, too.

so, feeling better, i woke up at stupid o’clock in the morning to take a train to the dĂĽsseldorf airport.

the door of the duomo (gorgeous!)

seriously, it was like 4.00am or some time that not too long ago i used to associate with coming home after a particularly good night out, NOT one that i ever thought i’d be waking up at. normally, though, i’m pretty good at the inconveniences of traveling. i usually hate waking up in general and am most definitely not a morning person (if that could be called “morning”), but once i’m up, i’m up. and thus can function pretty well on fairly little sleep.

apparently that isn’t true at seven weeks pregnant. i had an amazingly difficult time getting up, making it to the train, riding the train (i’ve heard of morning sickness while pregnant, but motion sickness? what’s up with that?) and dealing with both eating that early in the morning or not eating and feeling nauseated. through all that, i was still feeling optimistic. after all, we were going to milan! to see tori amos!

then the turbulence kicked in. aside from my first trip to london at fifteen years of age (which i barely remember), this was the worst flight i’ve ever been on. i couldn’t close my eyes, i couldn’t read or concentrate on any pictures, i definitely couldn’t look outside or speak or really do anything but stare aimlessly at the chair in front of me and try my best not to throw up (the whole time wondering if it wouldn’t be better if i did throw up).

when we landed in milan, we realized how far away from the city malpensa aeroporto really is. so we had to take an hour long bus. that’s right, an hour. and of course by the time we got up to the bus, it was almost full and we had to sit in the back. so, another hour of trying my best not to throw up.

duomo di milano

we checked into our hotel and went off in search of lunch, which didn’t make me feel any better at all. and even though the duomo looked amazing and i was so excited to be in italy, i just had to go back to the hotel and sleep. or something.

and it just continued that way. i was exhausted and sick for most of the weekend and we spent all morning (both saturday and sunday) just lazing about the hotel. which was fine. we had a great time together and even though we didn’t do as much as i would have liked, we still experienced milan — and i still had the best spaghetti pomodoro ever.

tori amos, however, was fantastic. and absolutely worth all the sickness and trouble it caused. however, my husband, who is not really my ideal tori partner anyway (but definitely my ideal travel buddy), took a nap midway through the concert. at least he didn’t snore or anything and in fact, i didn’t even notice because i couldn’t take my eyes off her!

pasta pomodoro (all i've ever wanted)

i’m still sort of recovering from the trip and finally, after work and everything else, i’ve been sitting on the sofa for the past few hours eating subway and watching glee. i should have been cleaning and going grocery shopping (there’s nothing in the house, which only contributes to my feeling nauseated morning, noon and night), but luckily i have a fantastic husband who told me that i should stop apologizing for not doing those things, because the only thing he cares about is that i am healthy, happy and comfortable and so is the little doofus.

tori’s last song before the encores (though this version is live from a different tour):

 

wandering the streets crying

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it has started raining again. after about a week of sun, we’ve returned to the dreary, grey and rainy days which are, apparently, normal here in germany. obviously, i’m pretty excited about this (picture game of thrones, “winter is coming!”). and to stay out of the rain, i’m sitting on the couch, eating canned peaches and drinking ginger ale, which incidentally, exploded all over the sun room, which sounds like a fantastic room, but isn’t, i just can’t think of a better word for it. it’s basically a small (very, very small) room off the kitchen, where we keep our recycling and the freezer and the plant that i’ve most recently killed.

this basically leads me to believe that i’m going to return from milan on monday, and there will be ants, or worse, spiders, wandering all around my sticky floors. i tried to clean up, but i’m just not feeling ‘cleaning’ lately. so, a general wipe-down with a paper towel will have to suffice for now.

it’s not just cleaning, though, it’s everything. i’m simply exhausted: physically and emotionally.

yesterday, i had my first doctor’s appointment, which was fine, everything went well. which is really what i should be focusing on. but, when i left, my hands full of brochures and paperwork and information, i had this overwhelming feeling of… being overwhelmed. you see, all of those brochures, papers and information were in german. and everything is so different here, i just felt bogged down by the sheer immensity of the prospect of having a baby in another country.

did you know, for example, that the doctor i chose is not actually going to be delivering my baby? here in germany, you find an ob/gyn to deal with all the pre- visits and the post- visits, but you also have to search for a hospital and foster a relationship with them and their on-staff doctors and midwives will be the ones who are actually delivering the baby.

on top of all the procedures and practices that i’m going to have to get used to, i’m going to be doing it in a language i don’t speak. and all by myself. of course, i’ll have my husband, but my mother is thousands of miles away as are all of my friends.

i was standing on the train platform, trying to focus on the fact that so far, the little doofus is healthy and both parents are happy and in love. that is, after all, what’s important. (still trying to make it sink in).

however, in doing this, i completely forgot to have my train ticket stamped. which of course, i didn’t realize until the uniformed woman standing before me was asking for my ticket (at least i assumed that’s what she was saying). i pulled it out and said the only sentence i’ve uttered in months (to people other than my husband): sprechen sie englisch? and then proceeded to explain that i just somehow forgot to stamp it, but i did indeed pay for my ticket.

she did not care. i, of course, started crying, because it was just the last thing i could handle right then. everything seemed so unfair, as if the whole world was against me, most obviously the woman in front of me, who could have cared less that i was shaking and sobbing as she wrote me out a ticket for 40€, which i cannot really afford at this moment.

i got off the train at my stop, tears still streaming down my face and i don’t think i’ve ever been so happy to get home. i immediately laid on the couch and watched enchanted, possibly the best movie ever.

then i made the mistake of watching marley and me, which was good, but i’d completely forgotten about the miscarriage.

even though their portrayal of it was good and healthy, and jennifer ansiton and owen wilson moved through it and had three lovely, healthy children, i couldn’t get it out of my mind. and going to sleep last night (or trying), every little cramp and twinge in my belly area kept me up.

needless to say, i didn’t sleep so well. and i’m still exhausted, still overwhelmed and still lonely.

on a positive note, i did get a phone call for a new class (teaching business english at bayer), so now i can pay for that 40€ ticket. of course, that means that i have to go meet her tonight at 7:00pm, when i should be packing for milan, watching tv (no “bad” films though) or sleeping.